Movie : Cosmos, War of the Planets

The captain, who did not trust machines, suggested at one point that the computer was wrong because it was drunk in there. At one point I leaned over to Maggie and said, "I think the crew is watching their own spaceship orbit on the view screen." It turned out that they were. The ship they were in was on their view screen. From behind. A lot.

Recommend? Well, if you seek the truly awful, then yes. Oh yes.

Album : "Come On Feel the Illinoise" by Sufjan Stevens

"Our step mom, we did everything to hate her;
she took us down to the edge of Decatur.
We saw the lion and the kangaroo take her
down to the river where they caught a wild alligator."



Recommend? Yes, it's even more expansive than Michigan! What state will be next? Yours?

Drink: Half Gallon of Naked Juice

Holy damn, I have just stumbled upon a store that sells half gallons of naked juice. Six bucks for a half gallon, six bucks for something like six pounds of fruit. Oh man, oh man.

Recommend: Drink it until it hurts. It's a super food. The pain and vomitting are merely training for the true heights of fruit consumption humans are capable of ascending to.

Movie : Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin

So this month for Alamo Draft House's dollar Mondays is "The Best of the Star Wars Rip-offs." Since me and Maggie went to all of last month's "Kung-Fu" Mondays, we are naturally going to this month's star wars rip-offs. Man, they have not disappointed.

Starchaser is a cartoon movie made in 1985 where a young boy with a sword that has a laser-like magic blade must crush and evil empire with the help of some saucy robots, a princess, and a fast-talking smuggler. A recipe for success? I think so. Especially for a dollar and IN 3-D! Man, talk about some 3-D.

This movie, though a star wars rip-off, raised some interesting philosophical questions. Did Jesus himself have a magic bladeless sword? This movie made me think he did.

Recommend? Yes, it had the line "I'm not a robot, I'm the robot," uttered by the villain when it was revealed that he was a robot.

Book: Refusing Heaven by Jack Gilbert

Deep. Yeah.

Recommend: Yeah.

Movie: White Noise

If you want horror with Michael Keaton, go see Pacific Heights or Multiplicity, Pacific Heights cuz it's genuinely creepy and multiplicity because Michael Keaton is playing quadruplets (who the hell knows, I never actually saw it because the concept was too unpleaseant and scary). However, as White Noise goes, the movie is pretty creepy at times, kind of like the Ring with a few really good seen and a couple of really interesting questions. However, none of this ever goes anywhere, all the good and interesting questions are barely addressed, and the ending is abrupt and disappointing. However, the movie isn't exactly bad either, since most of what's on the screen isn't bad, just not enough (except the ending which is kind of bad). However, the however also howevers the however, leaving the however feeling however and however.

Do I recommend: not really, but its also not bad if you like having fun that leaves you feeling vaguely disappointed. However. However.

Movie: Alone in the Dark

If you want to see good science fiction, don't see this movie. If you're a fan of bad science fiction, don't see this movie. The only type of person who should see this movie is someone who wants to feel like they've had roughly two hours of the life permanently and irrevocably stolen from their life.

Somehow, this movie manages to be so bad in so bad a way that you can't even Theater 3000 it. You never really know why anyone is doing what they're doing, and when you do, the reasons are totally idiotic.

The villain's motives don't make sense. You never know why he wants to carry out his evil plan, how he's doing it, or even what his evil plan is. You never really understand the hero's motives, or what his character's history is supposed to be (despite the time they put into developing it).

The rules of the movie don't make sense either. The creatures are supposed to be hurt by light, but when everyone's scared of the creatures escaping, they have to go through a room lit bright as a tanning bed.

Finally, the acting is hideous. Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff (who never should have acted after The Gate - on of the finest bad horror movies of the 80s), and whoever that women was should be shot in the face. Then their heads should be reconstructed with glow, clothespins and tape, and then they should be shot in the face again. And it's not so bad its funny. It's not even bad in the Ed Wood way. It's tedious and unpleaseant.

Do I recommend: Oh yeah, and why don't you get some spider bites and an enema to make it twice as fun.