Year : 2005

'Twas a long year, full of many life changes. There were a few stumbles along the way, but everything seemed to shape up in the end. Character was built, good times were had, and even some new songs were made.

Recommend? Well, if you haven't done it by now, then you won't ever get the chance to do it again. Happy End-of-2005!

PS: Anyone know where I can download the trailer to 2006? I'd like to find a sneak-preview before it hits, and I'm running out of time....

Book: Kangaroo Notebook

by Kobo Abe. As everyone can tell, I've been reading an awful lot of books these last couple of weeks, but I must say that Kangaroo Notebook is the single strangest thing I've read in a loooooong time. The morning after being offered a raise for coming up with the vague idea of marketing a "kangaroo notebook," the narrator wakes up with radish sprouts growing out of his legs. The narrator goes to a dermitologist who immediately sends him into surgery. When surgery (or whatever happens during that time) is over, the narrator is pushed out onto the street on his gurney with a prescription to go soak in a sulfur hot spring. The narrator, still attached to his IV and catheter, is towed to a canal where he sent afloat into the underworld where he meets a woman who LOVES drawing blood, almost gets into a fist fight with his dead mother, develops a creepy attraction to a demon child whose elementary school troop builds towers out of stone.

Recommend: The narrator snacks on himself throughout the story. His bed becomes his friend and follows him around like a dog or a horse. Of course I recommend.

Book: A Wild Sheep Chase

by Haruki Murakami. Totally sweet book. There is a man dressed as a sheep. Sheepman rocks. You get to know what it means to be "sheepless." Read this book.

recommend: Man dressed as sheep. I say again, Man dressed as sheep.

Book: Money

by Martin Amis - the last book I'll be reading right now in my Martin Amis spree since I have yet to come across "Dead Babies." I have to admit, that title is intriguing, but alas it has nothing to do with the book "Money." However, money has a lot to do with the book Money, and so do sex, alcohol, blackouts, strippers, Hollywood, London, New York, the majesty of George Orwell's Animal Farm, and a mission of self-discovery through absolute hedonism. I've got to give Amis credit. His narrator is one of the single most depraved and loathsome characters EVER written, yet he is the hero of the story. And you end up liking him. Also, some great experimentation with narrator reliability, especially since the narrator blacks out all the time.

Recommend: yeah, but it's not quite as inventive as Time's Arrow or Success.

Book: Success

By Martin Amos. Good book. Read fast. Cool use of dual first person narrators that alternate back and forth. Also, both narrators are unreliable. The coolest thing is that you get different perspectives about the same scene, and, even though you know one narrator is a bigger liar than the other, you never really know EXACTLY what happened at any given point especially since you also get versions of events through the mouths of other characters who themselves are somewhat unreliable.

Recommend: Yes. Not as stylistically sweet or funny as "Time's Arrow," but it was a really interesting, entertaining, and well written story. Also, both main characters are complete degenerates, and everyone loves reading about degenerates.

Movie : Sahara

This movie was totally stupid. Matthew Mconanonaughey is maybe a salvage guy who looks for sunken treasure, but he used to be in the military, I think, where he learned to be a badass with his obnoxious friend, that guy that always plays the obnoxious friend in dumb action-adventure movies. Anyway, they go looking for an American civil war ironclad that somehow winded up in the desert in Africa. Oh, and some guy is about to destroy the world's ocean life with toxic waste, somehow. Maybe with super poisonous algea or something. I couldn't tell.

Recommend? Actually, I do. I was expecting dumb fun, and it was delivered, complete with a boat chase and the most unlikely functioning cannon fight ever. Rock, MacConnaugheey.

Book: Time's Arrow

By Martin Amis. Starts at the moment of the narrator's death. The narrator's awareness continues after his death, except that the narrative runs backward through the narrator's life. Literally. And not in the psuedo-backward Memento way. In order to eat, people sit on the toilet and suck the shit from the bowl. They then carefully remove the food from their mouths and reassemble them into sculpted dishes via a knife and fork. They then dismantle the scultpures and store them in boxes and cans on shelves until they sell them to supermarkets. People don't put hair gel in their hair. Their hair seems to excrete it into their hands, they bottle it up, and sell to the drug store.

Recommend: Oh, hell yeah. Read it in four hours. This is the only book I can imagine that could get away with having a narrator talk about a pimp punching the black eye off a prostitute's face. Need I say more?

Book: Rouse up O Young Men of the New Age

By Kenzaburo Oe. I was rather impressed with the bulk of this story, and the handling of the relationship between the father and his mentally handicapped son are strongly rendered. I can see why he is so popular in Japan. However, the fifty or so pages that try to explain a japanese translation of William Blake's poetry (which is, curiously translated back into English rather than returned to its original verse) grows tiresome. It works when used as a transitional device, but even though Oe's narrator is aware of his own misreadings of Blake, man, his explanations are confusing and, um, unique...

Recommend: Really a great book (overall) and a fast read. Don't expect Murakami, but he's kind of on par with Kobo Abe.

Movie : Van Helsing

The movie starts out in black and white... and then there is something about Dracula wanting to do something with Frankenstein's monster, but I'm not completely sure what because a minute into the movie I started losing interest. And then the movie turned to color (like that Wizard of Oz movie!), but at this point I was only half-watching and I started to play around on the internet with the movie on in the background. I think some blue winged women that were sexy in a creature kind of way flew around and hissed, and then I checked out some stats on the unbeaten Colts, and then I watched a few Strongbad Emails. At one point in the movie the main chick (who was a princess? or maybe searching for her brother?) was dancing with I think Dracula, and then Van Helsing swung down from a trapeze, and then I laughed and brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Recommend? I'm sure it's a fine movie.

Posts: This Post

This is the 101st post to this site. It is a short post and is pretty much self-referential with little to no basis or content outside of its own nature.

Recommend: Not really. Kind of shallow, maybe a bit flat. Really, you should skip this post and save the time it takes to formulate the letters contained therein into coherent meaning if you haven't made it this far already.

Music : Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans

My favorite Sufjan album so far. Just slightly tamer than the Michigan album, but in a nice way. Simple and pure. I am amazed at how all his albums are so great, and every song works with the rest. Seven Swans is a grand album.

Recommend? I've had it on constant repeat for almost 24 hours now.

RPG : Dragon Quest VIII - Journey of the Cursed King

Dragon Quest VIII is doing everything right. And Old-School. It's the best RPG I've played in a long time. Much better than, say, Final Fantays X-2, which wasn't very good at all. And Final Fantasy X, which was okay but not good enough to bother finishing. Or Morrowind, which was not much to my taste. It's the best RPG since consoles were 32-bits, that's for sure. This, of course, is excluding games I haven't played. Maybe there were some fine RPGs I missed. If this is the case, I am sorry. I will make it up to you by not playing them and continuing to play the crap out of Dragon Quest VIII. I mean, I've gotta catch that rascally Dhoulmagus. And I need to find more alchemy recipes. And I gotta work on my party's skills.

Recommend? Yes, the story line is simplistic(thus followable and engaging), the graphics look like a cartoon, and the world is huge. And you get to fight slimes, and metal slimes, and healslimes and...

Book: Maus

For those of you who don't know, Maus is a graphic novel about a graphic novelist writing a graphic novel about his Jewish father's experiences in WWII. The big twist is that all the Jews are portrayed as mice, the nazis as cats, the Polish are pigs, a la Animal Farm. Winner of the 1992 Pulitzer Prize - kind of shocking for a graphic novel, Maus is an insightful and unique portrayal of the events of the holocaust OUTSIDE the concentration camps, instead focusing on the Jews who survived in hiding a la a system much scarier than the underground railroad.

Recommend: Deep, unsettling, funny, well-drawn and well-told, I highly recommend Maus to anyone, particularly if you don't normally read graphic novels - not because it doesn't compare well to other graphic novels, but because it is a highly accessible piece that packs quite a punch. And besides, look at the cover. You've got to read something with a cover like that.

Arachnids: This Spider

This spider was large and mean looking. I believe it was a brown recluse. I met it a couple weeks ago in my mom's garage. I circled around the spider a couple of times, taking pictures. Several times it turned to face me, but it didn't do a very good job tracking my movements. I throw a mat on top of it and stomped it.

Recommend: If you like things that turn your flesh necrotic when they bite you, then yes by all means. In particular to this spider, it jumped about six inches in the air as the mat descended towards it, bouncing off the underside of the mat and landing directly beneath it. As far as final acts go, that one was pretty freaky so I give it a thumbs up since it managed to be creepier than your average spider.

Book : Wicked by Gregory Maguire

Wicked is the the life story of Oz's very own Wicked Witch of the West. But this is not a children's book! Example: 3-way with a Tiger, a young girl, and a homosexual male. If you plan on reading this book, I recommend you stop after the third section and read the original Wizard of Oz, by L. Frank Baum, and then continue to read the fourth section. It works out really neat that way.

Recommend? Way better than the Pink Floyd thing!

Movie : Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry potter and his friends have entered into a new age of wizarding style, very similar to the Pinball Wizard age, which came slightly before Voldemort's horrible rise to power.



This is the best movie of the four, and even though tons of events from the book were left out, if you read the book two or more times, you shouldn't have a problem following the storyline.

Recommend? Great effects, funny parts, and evilness! This one will make six year olds cry for sure!

Video Games: Civilization IV

The other night I wiped out the American's with Iroquis, using my superior riflemen and tanks to wipe out their musketeers and cannons. There is something beautiful in crushing the Spanish with the Aztecs or Egypt with the Malinese. There's also something eerie and fun about conquering the world as Russia or Germany. There's something ironic about converting your nation to Buddhism and then going on a nuclear rampage that leaves the world desolate and uninhabitable.

And its extremely addictive to do so, to discover all the beautiful perversions of the world's history that can be created. I've already spent immense amounts of time clicking at the computer, squashing cities and annihilating the wolves and bears that now populate the landscape. You never stop saying, "well I'll quite just after I build the Taj Mahal." There's always something to keep you playing just another turn, infinite excuses to shut down that part of your brain that manages your time and tells you that you need to sleep whether it be waiting to get that crucial technology or building some of the units and wonders you get from that technology or using those units or wonders to obliterate one of your opponents.

Recommend: If you like games that you play until you realize it is light outside.

Food: Golden Corral

Last night I ate:
A piece of fried chicken, a pork chop, a steak, some other steak with gravy, a piece of meatloaf, 2 servings of green beans, mashed potatoes with gravy, baked beans, corn, apple pie, apple cobbler, banana pudding, 2 cokes, and a cup of coffee.

Recommend: It was hard to walk afterwards!

Animals: Chihuahuas

A year and a half ago, I cursed chihuahuas and everything they stood for. I considered them to be yapping obstacles in the walkway of life, the type of blockade that just begs to be punted like footballs with legs into a basket full of sharks beset by bears.

However, after spending a significant amount of time with a chihuahua, I have learned that with proper raising they are little different than cats except that they don't use litter boxes and are willing to play little games of tug o war with you when they aren't curled up on a lap or in a cute little bed - see picture on the upper left.

Recommend: Look at the little face in both these shots. If you don't like what you see, than the chihuahua is not the breed of dogs for you and it is more than likely that you are not a member of the human species. If you are a member of the human species, than yes, I highly recommend.

Book : Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Published in 1900, this book is simple. And I was surprised to see how dictatorial the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Cowardly Lion ended up being. Hell, if Kansas's prairie dogs could talk, I bet Dorothy would have requested to become High Queen Ruler over them all. Damn.

Recommend? It's a perfect book to read on the throne!

Visitors : The Murf

I had a visitor, which is rare when one is so far away. It was The Murf, and he did everything right. He brought me four 12-packs of mellow yellow, treated us to dinner (twice!) and even did the dishes while we were at work. He was also conducive to making overly long, offensive experimental country music. CONS: sometimes he was too polite. Like when he asked if he should knock on the door when he came back from the car. Was that a joke?

Recommend? Yes! If you like to have fun and make music and live a long way away, then invite The Murf! Watch out for his halloween costumes, though. They're the scariest!

Concert: Nine Inch Nails

I was going to upload pictures, but the picture function is acting funny - it makes a big gray box with a tiny version of the picture in the corner. What's up with that?

So anyway, I went to Nine Inch Nails in Nashville on Halloween and man, it rocked. Queens of the Stone Age opened for them and they were one of the better opening acts that I've seen in a while - solid rocking, no more, no less. NIN put on a really kick ass visual show, playing the first song with transparent curtains all around the stage to hold a really dense cloud of smoke that they shot strobes, spotlights, and a huge assortment of multicolored lights through. Later in the set they lowered the curtain again and projected film onto it. That was neat, cuz you could still see the band through the curtain, but the images were on top of them. Otherwise, they played an extremely heavy and aggressive set that never let up on the energy. The guitarist kept doing these crazy ninja acrobatics with his guitar, leaping all over the place and swinging the guitar wildly but somehow never missing a note.

Also, they flung about twenty mics into the crowd. The roadies were pretty impressive. I figure less than a 3 second gap between a thrown mic or a flung mic stand before a new one was up. The set itself was sweet, consisting mostly of songs from their first 3 albums, but avoiding the singles. They played a bunch of sweet songs I wouldn't have expected like "Burn," (Natural Born Killers soundtrack, "Eraser" a cool building song that they used the projecter for, and "Reptile." Also, "Terrible Lie" kicked total ass, and they added an extra verse onto Closer. Most notable as a performance, though, was "Right Where it Belongs," the last track of the latest album.

Recommend: Hells yes, provided you like violently aggressive rocking while surrounded by people in costume.

CD : Wolf Parade - "Apologies to the Queen Mary"

Produced by Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse. Four Canadians. One Guitarist, one drummer, TWO synth players. Twitchy, spazzy, a little Modest Mousy. And totally awesome.

Recommend? Well, I'd recommend you check it out. I've been listening to it a lot for about a week and half. And I mean a lot. I bought some other CDs, but I keep taking them out and putting this one in. Also, it will give you huge pectoral muscles.

Movie: Aguirre: Wrath of God

Weird German movie from the 70's. A conquistador leads a bunch of people into the Amazon looking for El Dorado. Lots of great shots of jungle and lots of understated insanity!

Recommend: Spider monkeys. Lots, lots, and lots of spider monkeys.

Movie : Wedding Crashers

I'll do this review in percentages:

41% booooo-ring.
35% funny humor you would expect.
20% unfunny humor you would expect.
3% love story.
1% boobies.

Recommend? Rent. Or sneak in. Don't pay much money for it, anyway.

Movie : History of Violence

Oh man oh man I was sooo looking forward to seeing this movie you wouldn't believe it!

And then I saw it. Damn. At least I saw it in good company, cause... damn.

Is this an Oscar movie? NO.

Would this have been a good script for the next Steven Segal movie? ABSOLUTELY.

All the reviews hinted at this being a grand movie, but after a kind of neat first 10 minutes, I just couldn't see this movie as anything more than a B-grade action flick. I mean... the story was..er, interesting, and it's not a HORRIBLE movie... just not what I was hoping it would be.

Recommend? Only if you want to picture Aragorn doing crazy sex scenes for the rest of your life.

Movie : Kung Fu Hustle

Once upon a time I thought it was illegal to put everything cool about Kung Fu into one movie. However, my thoughts were proven wrong after watching Kung Fu Hustle.

Two words: The Landlady.

Those of you who have seen it, nod your heads in agreement. Those who have not, stop reading and start renting.

Recommend? Definitely. And remember: even Kung Fu Masters can be gay.

Movie : Serenity

Joss Whedon's snappy dialogue in space. With cowboy guns. I'm there.

Recommend? Yeah, I reckon I do. Pardner.

Hurricanes : Rita

Damn, is it just me, or do you think Hurricane's this year are looking mighty fine? Sure, they are evil and they are causing horrible destruction, turmoil, and pain...but you must admit they are also very beautiful constructs of nature.

Katrina was a perfect hurricane, but Rita is right up there as well. She's being more behaved, and looks like she won't hit land at anything more than a Category 2 or 3, but she earned the spot as the 3rd most intense hurricane of all-time in the gulf area just two nights ago. And that deserves something.

Recommend? If you live on the Texas shore: No. If you live in Tennessee: Two thumbs way up!!

Movie: Lord of War

this may become a habit, going to see movies by myself on friday nights. i don't suppose i mind. i can go see whatever i want! anyway, i went to see this nicholas cage movie. i liked gattaca and the truman show, and this was the same writer i think, and it was alright. the main character is a bad guy who sells lots of guns to other bad guys. but it's all a big trick, because he's nicholas cage and you tend to like him, you see? the sympathetic bad guy trick.

recommend: one of those movies. there's a "message" at the end. but i liked the message that came right before the end better: 'evil prevails'. and this was a comedy!

Famous Women : Greta Garbo

I think the 100th anniversary of the birth of Greta Garbo is coming up, so I thought I would speak my mind on her.



Okay, so, there was this Swedish lass by the name of Greta Lovisa Gustafson, who ended up being the most brilliantly beautiful woman of all time. Usually I cannot understand why all these teeny-bopper girls go nuts over some wimpy nerd like whoever that guy is who plays Legolas, but HOT DAMN was Greta Garbo something! I never felt mesmerized by an actress before seeing her in the silent film The Temptress (which I cannot find on DVD with the newly updated musical score!). Anyway, just had to say it: Greta Garbo is mighty appealing to the eyeball. I bet she assassinated people with her presence. I bet she did!!

Recommend? Too bad us fella's weren't born in 1905, or else maybe we would have had the chance of meeting Greta for sushi and cola.

Toys: Plush STDs

The big struggle this year for parents is whether or not they want to get their kids crabs or syphillis for Christmas. Apparently, some family oriented group affiliated with some church has begun marketing a line of plush likenesses of magnified STD's. The whole collection is here - AIDS, the clap, herpes, and much much more, truly a gift that keeps on giving.

Recommend: You know, there's something really wrong somebody who thinks that its a good way to scare children about sex and STD's by making the STD's all soft and cuddly. Mixed messages anyone?

Movie : ??????

(This should be in the spirit of the site...)

I rented this Korean Anime at Pedazo Chunk, the video store with all the imported DVDs. The cover looked cool, but it was all in Korean. I rented it, and it might have been called something like "Beautiful Girl Mari," but don't quote me on that because I'm not sure. Anyway, it was way weird. I mean, it was really weird. I'm still not sure what it was all about, but it looked neat and there was this furry girl that seemed to live on a mystical 200 foot tall dog. I'm thinking that I liked it.

Recommend? Yeah, I think so. If you see this movie--it's box has like, some green stuff that might be sort of like bamboo, and a kid, and this floating girl with what may be white fur all over her body instead of clothes--I'd suggest renting it if you like things that are really weird. Maybe surreal is the word.

Movie : Steam Boy

Steam Boy is a feature-length anime film done by that guy that made Akira. The story was completely preposterous! It was full of rediculous action sequences obviously designed as nothing more than eye candy. The plot was full of holes ("Why is that ball so powerful again? Why doesn't it ever seem to run out of steam?") and there were some pretty corny lines of dialogue. It was totally sweet.

Recommend? Yes! This had some of the coolest animation I've ever seen. As Akira was a cut above back in the 90s, Steam Boy is a cut above today. Mindless fun, wicked sweet cartooning.

Book : Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

*NO SPOILERS*

Bah, I knew it! I mean, I second guessed and third guessed and fifth guessed myself a million times over, but I knew it! Deep down inside we all knew it.

Here is the sixth book of a series that I originally told myself I would never read and has ended up being my favorite series of all-time. The only thing that sucks is that I doubt I'll ever be so engrossed in such a stupidly wonderful story for the rest of my life.

Recommend? I will only say two things. First of all, the last book better be the last book. And second of all, the last book better be over 2000 pages long.

Games: Cell Phone Games

It's as if they were releasing new games for eight bit systems, only it's also as if eight bit systems had the capacity a reasonable spectrum of colors. Each game is as beautifully pointless and repetetive as the last, the only variations deriving from assigned titles and minor changes in the graphics. Side scroller after identical sidescroller. RPG's with characters that are little more than blobs. The ones whose characters actually resemble the human form are advertised for their graphics. Great sound means at least four different beeping sounds make up the theme music and death sounds.

Recommend: Don't pigs not fly sailing through the moonlight and the clouds, only to spiral higher into the sky until they vanish betwixt the stars leaving little but a trail of glowing dust and a sad feeling of loss in the seat of mankind's belly?

Things Coming Soon: Live Action Transformer Movie

I've been following stuff on the live action Transformer movie, and I have to say that as beautiful of a concept as I think that is, I also think it is a horrible idea. Most importantly, there's going to be nothing live action about it. All the stuff that would be cool to see live action will be CGI. Then again, as we've learned from Square Enix, mechs turn out pretty damn sweet in CGI and everybody loves to see beautiful mechs blowing each other up on an epic scale. Especially transforming mechs. I was a transforming mech once. It was beautiful and maybe this will be too. Or it could suck.

Recommend: I think that everyone should become a live action mech and run for robot politics.

Movie : Oldboy

This movie was so sweet I'm not sure why you are trying to find a copy and watch it right now. I mean that, too. I laughed, I squirmed in my seat, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You totally get to see a guy cram almost an entire live octopus into his mouth, and uncomfortably laugh at many things you never thought would be funny.

Recommend? Oh sweet lord yes yes yes.

movie: Persona

this is my first Ingmar Bergman movie. fairly strange. a lot of familiar imagery which i suppose has been copied down through the years, maybe starting here. "a poem told in images", so it is said.

recommend: now i understand all that, um, idiom i've always seen satirized or imitated, where there are quick black-and-white shots of disturbing imagery, people alone in empty rooms shouting and crying, and long monologues about loneliness and emptiness accompanied by sex and/or blood and/or screaming.

Movie: The Jacket

Pretty sweet Jacob's Ladder-esque war veteran psychological movie with a cool style, some pretty freaky stuff early on, and a tame but admittedly suprising ending.

Recommend: Yeah, if you like Jacob's Ladder-esque war veteran psychological thrillers with a touch of time travel thrown in.

Movie: Sahara

Not bad for a wanna be Indiana Jones flick. Entertaining, cool action, cool chases, loaded with cliches. Nice touch of flesh eating disease fear. Yum...oozing pustules...

Recommend - good one to relax to. Look for depth, development, and meaning in the comic pages. You'll have better luck finding the meaning of life in Snoopy.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Oh. My. God. This book ruled. Rockin' plot. Rockin' end. Ooh- and the darkness of it all. Can't say more because I refuse to ruin it, and this actually is a pretty vague review.

Recommend: If you do not read this book, you raise the likelyhood that someone will kill you.

Movie : Cosmos, War of the Planets

The captain, who did not trust machines, suggested at one point that the computer was wrong because it was drunk in there. At one point I leaned over to Maggie and said, "I think the crew is watching their own spaceship orbit on the view screen." It turned out that they were. The ship they were in was on their view screen. From behind. A lot.

Recommend? Well, if you seek the truly awful, then yes. Oh yes.

Album : "Come On Feel the Illinoise" by Sufjan Stevens

"Our step mom, we did everything to hate her;
she took us down to the edge of Decatur.
We saw the lion and the kangaroo take her
down to the river where they caught a wild alligator."



Recommend? Yes, it's even more expansive than Michigan! What state will be next? Yours?

Drink: Half Gallon of Naked Juice

Holy damn, I have just stumbled upon a store that sells half gallons of naked juice. Six bucks for a half gallon, six bucks for something like six pounds of fruit. Oh man, oh man.

Recommend: Drink it until it hurts. It's a super food. The pain and vomitting are merely training for the true heights of fruit consumption humans are capable of ascending to.

Movie : Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin

So this month for Alamo Draft House's dollar Mondays is "The Best of the Star Wars Rip-offs." Since me and Maggie went to all of last month's "Kung-Fu" Mondays, we are naturally going to this month's star wars rip-offs. Man, they have not disappointed.

Starchaser is a cartoon movie made in 1985 where a young boy with a sword that has a laser-like magic blade must crush and evil empire with the help of some saucy robots, a princess, and a fast-talking smuggler. A recipe for success? I think so. Especially for a dollar and IN 3-D! Man, talk about some 3-D.

This movie, though a star wars rip-off, raised some interesting philosophical questions. Did Jesus himself have a magic bladeless sword? This movie made me think he did.

Recommend? Yes, it had the line "I'm not a robot, I'm the robot," uttered by the villain when it was revealed that he was a robot.

Book: Refusing Heaven by Jack Gilbert

Deep. Yeah.

Recommend: Yeah.

Movie: White Noise

If you want horror with Michael Keaton, go see Pacific Heights or Multiplicity, Pacific Heights cuz it's genuinely creepy and multiplicity because Michael Keaton is playing quadruplets (who the hell knows, I never actually saw it because the concept was too unpleaseant and scary). However, as White Noise goes, the movie is pretty creepy at times, kind of like the Ring with a few really good seen and a couple of really interesting questions. However, none of this ever goes anywhere, all the good and interesting questions are barely addressed, and the ending is abrupt and disappointing. However, the movie isn't exactly bad either, since most of what's on the screen isn't bad, just not enough (except the ending which is kind of bad). However, the however also howevers the however, leaving the however feeling however and however.

Do I recommend: not really, but its also not bad if you like having fun that leaves you feeling vaguely disappointed. However. However.

Movie: Alone in the Dark

If you want to see good science fiction, don't see this movie. If you're a fan of bad science fiction, don't see this movie. The only type of person who should see this movie is someone who wants to feel like they've had roughly two hours of the life permanently and irrevocably stolen from their life.

Somehow, this movie manages to be so bad in so bad a way that you can't even Theater 3000 it. You never really know why anyone is doing what they're doing, and when you do, the reasons are totally idiotic.

The villain's motives don't make sense. You never know why he wants to carry out his evil plan, how he's doing it, or even what his evil plan is. You never really understand the hero's motives, or what his character's history is supposed to be (despite the time they put into developing it).

The rules of the movie don't make sense either. The creatures are supposed to be hurt by light, but when everyone's scared of the creatures escaping, they have to go through a room lit bright as a tanning bed.

Finally, the acting is hideous. Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff (who never should have acted after The Gate - on of the finest bad horror movies of the 80s), and whoever that women was should be shot in the face. Then their heads should be reconstructed with glow, clothespins and tape, and then they should be shot in the face again. And it's not so bad its funny. It's not even bad in the Ed Wood way. It's tedious and unpleaseant.

Do I recommend: Oh yeah, and why don't you get some spider bites and an enema to make it twice as fun.

Movie : Musa

This movie was Korean and a battle epic sort of thing. People got shot in the neck with arrows quite a few times, and let me tell you, each time it was a little rough. You don't see too many arrow-neck-shots in American movies, and they are pretty beautiful. Also this movie contained the chopping off of heads with bad-ass spears with blades on the end. Add nice cinematography and a babe-princess, and you have a winner.

Recommend? Yes, see neck-shots, decapitation, and babe-princesses.

Activity: Buying Fireworks

Living out in Pegram, TN, it is impossible to look at how little civilization is out here and think how nice it would be to blow up little bits and pieces of what little there is here, dirt, grass, pebbles, etc. But man, supply and demand. They know that as the fourth of July approaches all true Americans will get the urge to blow things up (I guess we're supposed to have that urge all the time with it intensifying at the 4th, but I just don't always want to blow things up), and Pegram caters to that urge, setting up striped tents all along highway 70.

But, you know, as much as I enjoy a good detonation or two, an explosion here and an explosion there, the actual blowing stuff up is just not quite as good as wandering through those fireworks aisles, looking at all those gunpowder stuffed goodies, and wondering precisely which way I want to blow something up. Do I want to blow up that apple with black cats or thundercrackers? Should I launch bottle rockets or saturn missiles at the birds? Literally hundreds of ways to destroy things are layed out on the shelves, and the rest is just the work of the imagination. Pick anything. Combine anything.

Do I recommend? All I say is this: Blowing stuff up out of pointless patriotism is the right our founding father's died for, so we'd damn well better honor their memories and the infinite possibilities for harmless destruction.

movie: LAND OF THE DEAD

i've seen more theater movies in the last month than in the whole last year, and this one definitely had the most zombies. it also had the most killings of zombies by people, and also the most killings and then eatings of people by zombies. it was a nice time, had by all the freaks in the theater with us.

recommend: if you like to see people torn into small pieces and then eaten, in color close-up, by dead people, this is by far the best movie for you to go see right now. i've seen revenge of the sith three times now, and not once was someone eaten by a zombie. also, this zombie movie has Dennis Hopper.

Movie : Blade

Hey, the first Blade movie is good. And Whisper DOES die it in...though he is very alive and healthy in Blade: Trinity.

Recommend: Yes! Especially if you want to know the reasons why some studio funded Blade: Trinity.

Movie : The Devil's Backbone

There was a scene where there were these jars with dead babies floating in liquid, and this guy got a ladle and spooned some of the baby-jar-liquid into a cup, and then he drank it.

Recommend? Clearly, I do.

Internet Dialect : l33t5p34k

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Recommend? 0n1y !ph J00 r011 MMP()RP6z.

Music: System of a Down: Mesmerize

So I like music with violent changes, disjointed lyrics about horses watching jet pilots and pizza toppings, and I figured that after three good albums, System of a Down would not fail to meet expectations. Unfortunately, this is album is one of those cases where the album met expectations too well in one of those strange combinations that isn't really either pleasing or interesting.

Yeah, they've still got political lyrics that occasionally sound really damn cool, but for the most part, on Mesmerize they're kind of like Rage Against the Machine yelling about the endangerment of subarctic manitees. And man, the repetition is just annoying at times, and not in the cool way like They Might Be Giant's Whistling in the Dark.

Furthermore, the changes are abrupt, but they're so regularly abrupt that they're not abrasive anymore. SOD is supposed to hurt at times while you listen to it because you turned it up for the cool quiet part and didn't turn it down as the guitar slammed back in. Instead, you kind of think, the loud part is about to happen. Then it does. But it just doesnt seem as loud.

Recommend: Yes if you want something generically on the edge.

Movie : Blade: Trinity

I haven't seen any of the other Blade movies, but I hope Blade: Trinity doesn't speak for the other two.

The Bad: Triple H as a vampire, Dracula as played by some hammerhead looking dude, Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel as action stars, and a techno-light-saber-bow-thingy made from concentrated UV light to slice thru vampires, yet was only used maybe twice.

The Good: laughing @ Triple H as a vampire, Dracula as played by some hammerhead looking dude, Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel as action stars, and a techno-light-saber-bow-thingy made from concentrated UV light to slice thru vampires, yet was only used maybe twice.

The scene with the dead blind girl should have won an Oscar.

Recommend? HELL YEAH! This movie sucks so much it rocks.

Tool: Non-flammable compressed gas duster

Starting from one of the best generic names I've ever encountered, this thing rocks. What a wonderful world we live in where you can buy air in a can. The dust just went poof straight up in the air and only half of it settled back down on the board. I always wanted something that would do my jobs half-assed for me. Not only was I able to sort of clean the boards of my computer with this thing, but I was able to scare the hell out of my dog. I didn't even have to try - the sound of the escaping air made the pup tuck it's tail between its legs and huddle up shaking in the corner. It's like buy one get one free except that buy one get one free doesn't inadvertently result in urine running down a puppy's leg. Not that I'm advocating scaring the hell out of puppies, but as a comedic side effect...thumbs up. And just think of all the other things I can clean! Surfaces, containers, openings, and coverings! I could go on an on! The air's even cold, so if it wasn't dangerous it could make an impromptu way to beat the summer heat!

Do I recommend? Oh, yeah I recommend. Doesn't clean so great, but man, it's air in a can.

One Star For Traffic

You know, you'd think a place that so many people spend so much time in would be more exciting, but I've got to say, I am really disappointed with my experience with being in traffic. I've called so many people on their cell phones and they've told me that they were in traffic, and I got really interested in finding out what this "traffic" thing was all about, so I got in my car to try it out for myself. Let me tell you: what a damn waste of time. The production values were terrible. All it was was a bunch of cars on a road. Who do the public relations people for traffic think their fooling? Do they ever expect to sell such a ludicrous idea? You'd think they'd try for some plot development, but instead its just stop and go until the y split. Stop and go to the stop sign. Stop and go through the red light. It's all so damn predictable and there's no motivation for any of it. The character development is as superficial as a freaking bumper sticker or something stuck to a rear window. Furthermore, the atmosphere was terrible, all stifling sun through the windshield, the smell of tar and rubber and exhaust and that dead thing by the road, sometimes honking. All in all, I've got to give traffic one star out of five, a disappointment on all accounts.

Beer : Arrogant Bastard Ale

Man! This bastard is arrogant for a reason, and it's not the giant bottle it comes in. At 2% more alcohol than your standard domestic beers, this beer packs a punch! One bottle of this was enough to loosen my juice and ease into rocking gear. Add one more beer and you're out on the smoothness highway, cruising with beer-wind a-blowin' in your hair as you ease into fifth and slide towards the sweet spot of the zone of goodness. Today, my Miller Genuine Draft seems much less sweet, though. Damn you, Arrogant Bastard.

Recommend? Hells yeah. But it's not for beer-sissies. No sir.

Movie : Revenge of the Sith

Well, I saw that movie! It was pretty good. When we last saw our heroes, in episode II, they were mostly drooling and dozing off, or looking pixelated. This time around things have improved amazingly! Palpatine and Obi-Wan were the best by far, as far as characters and acting go, and computer Yoda has been improved greatly, no longer looking ridiculous in action scenes and actually managing to look like an effective character in slow scenes! The "love" scenes between Padme and Ani are still unbelievably terrible, both in writing and acting (Lucas was playing the "how many cliched one-liner love lines can I stick in this scene" game.) Thankfully, the love is kept to a minimum and Natalie Portman dies. I giggled everytime anyone said "Dooku," but that's just me.

I was totally grabbed at the beginning, then I wasn't too sure for awhile, but when everybody started getting killed, I was really into it. Man! What action and effects!

The ending was genius! Perfect set up! I wanted to go home and watch episode four right then! (but I only have it on tape, perhaps a DVD purchase is in order? Lucas wins!)

Recommend? Yeah, I do. It wasn't the best. Or the second best. But if you skip some of the middle, and every scene with only Padme and Ani, then it might have a shot at a tie for third best with "...Jedi" But man! Was it ever better than Eps I and II! By a lot!

Meal : Pizza, Hot Wings, and Beer.

Man! Maggie and me had beer, pizza, and hot wings for dinner. It was awesome! Wings too spicy? Have a sip of beer, which goes great with pizza! One leads to the other, see, in a perfect meal circle.

Recommend? YES! It's way manly, pizza and beer, and good ladies dig it too! Throw in a fast puzzle game and a Japanese movie, and you have it made.

Movie : Revenge of the Sith

Lucas did it! Yay! This movie was fantastic! I will see it two more times in the theater. At least.

First of all, the creativity/graphics/layout of the movie was probably the most cutting edge stuff I've seen since the original Matrix movies. The opening scene of the movie with the jedi ships cruising around the ... well, let's just say it was amazing. The depth of all the action was mindboggling. My eyes were wide (like this: OO.

I liked the story. I liked the acting (yup, I did). I believed in the conflict between Anakin and Obi-wan. I won't spoil, but I will say I got a bit teary eyed in the last half hour of the movie. It's a sad movie! Anakin was supposed to be the chosen one! And it's a brutal movie! Poor, poor jedi. Also, Revenge of the Sith makes all the other Star Wars movies better. Lucas gave us a perfect fit. I watched the first hour of A New Hope after seeing Episode III, and it was so much better! Amazing.

I must give one strong hint to anyone who hasn't seen this movie yet: FIND AND WATCH THE CARTOON NETWORK CLONE WARS series before watching the movie! It leads DIRECTLY into Revenge of the Sith, and helps it make more sense. Why is General Grevious aparently wounded, for example? Find out in the cartoon!

Recommend? YES. Even if you don't like Star Wars, this is an awesome Sci-fi action blockbuster adventure movie. And if you do like Star Wars, this is probably the best of them all.

Movie : Life Aquatic

Stop what you are doing and listen to me if you are interested in hearing about a good show! Life Aquatic is brilliant, with amazing special effects (hooray for a rebirth in clay-mation!), a supurb cast, and so much passion it will pop your eyeballs out. It is a tale of revenge and rediscovery. It is a swashbuckling adventure! It has a soundtrack of David Bowie songs played on guitar with lyrics in Portuguese that don't really even match the original lyrics!

Recommend? Of course! I bought this movie, and you should too.

Book : The Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman

Here is the last book of the His Dark Materials trilogy. The ending was not what I expected, although I can't really say what it is that I did expect in the end. There were many new worlds, many new characters, and, well, how do I review this book?

I can't see how this was supposed to be a childrens book. What part of this book is for children? No part. Except maybe the daemons. Those were kinda cute. Maybe Iorek. Maybe.

Recommend? YES. Read the whole trilogy, and then explain it to me.

Movie : Revenge of the Sith

Ha ha! I get to review Star Wars first!

Okay. It was pretty good, I thought. Pretty good! The dialogue is all pretty cheesy, the actors are bad, but it all sort of makes sense now. Amazingly, in retrospect, the first two (meaning Episodes 1 and 2) seem better now that I've seen this one. Everything seems to make sense. And it all leads, totally, perfectly, right into the very first movie (meaning Episode IV), even though there's another 20 years of dead time in between.

Recommend: It's goofy and there are lots of retarded bits, but overall, I'd rank its good moments up there with the best from the original movies (meaning IV V & VI). There you go.

Book : Kafka on the Shore, by Haruki Murakami

Is Haruki Murakami one of the coolest writers on the planet? He gets my f*cking vote. Oh, this book is cool. Set in Japan in modern day. A young boy runs away from home. Mystery ensues. The characters ate a lot, and it was all Japanese food that sounded good, and it made me want to eat Japanese food. After a particular chapter, I was forced to make rice, Miso soup, and some teriyaki salmon. It was delicious.

Recommend? Yes! Murakami is cooler than me, and I must. Also, I recommend (even more so) Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. But this one is also good. So is A Wild Sheep Chase and Norwegian Wood. He's a smooth Japanese cat.

Book : Bone - One Volume Edition

I know, I know. A 1332 page long comic book? Yeah! In black and white? Hells yeah! With no super heroes? God, yes! From 1991 to 2004 Jeff Smith wrote and drew Bone, a sprawling, beautiful fantasy-humor-adventure comic. But it was a story line with a goal, and reaching that, it ended. Now all the issues of Bone are available in one massive book. This is the best comic book ever, imho (heh.) Let's run down the Master Comic Book Check List.

High adventure? Check.
Pretty pictures? Check.
Memorable characters? Check, check, check, check check...
Humor? Double-check.
Hiijinks? Oh yeah.
Epic fantasy scope? Yep.
World-threatening struggle? You betcha.
Dragons, talking bugs, and hard-punching old ladies? Check.
Cow racing and swindling galore? Check.
The best of everything ever? Check-yo-mama.

Recommend? YES. Go to a bookstore, grab a copy. Read it for an hour or so to make sure it's sweet, since it is 40 dollars, and then buy it.

Movie : National Treasure

This movie was like a warm, soft blanket. It had a predictable plot, bad acting and a number of bad lines, and virtually everything in it was implausible ("These are scrolls from the library at Alexandria!"). But like a soft blanket, we discover that the secret to eating is food. So if you expect a ham sammitch, and you're really hungry, then a ham sammitch is damned fine eating.

Recommend? Yes. With some melted cheese and a little spicy brown mustard.

Single : Beverly Hills - Weezer

Eh... First single from the upcoming Weezer Album. It must be tough, Rivers, to suck all of the interesting parts out of something. I mean, really, bland music, uninspired lyrics, laughable chorus. Oh Rivers, I might say you still have a cool singing voice, but you'd need to try to sing for me to be able to tell. But then, there's that...um...part...that...is...coo--* Oh, I'm nodding off while the song plays. *ahem* I need some coffee and some Yanni to wake me up. *whew* (Yawns)

Recommend? Um, I guess if you like being bored. Or you're trying to learn to play F, B-flat, F, B-flat, F, C over and over at a mid-tempo rock, then I highly recommend this song. Or if you're a zombie. Otherwise, listen to the first two Weezer albums because they're still good, and a startling testament to how you can have it for awhile, and then apparently lose all your talent. (When the Weezer Album comes out on May 10th, buy the new Spoon ablum, which comes out the same day and will be AWESOME. It's called "Gimme Fiction" Curiously, the Weezer album is called "Make Believe." How strange and similar, topically.)

Movie : Sin City

Here is a movie that delivers. Boobs, guns, swords, grenades, gangsters and hookers, Irish hitmen and crooked cops: it's all in this movie.

I mean, COME ON! If I had to make a list of the top 100 best things you could put in a movie, I think they'd all be found in this one!

Too bad it didn't have a young man who was an animal-clawed ninja-cannibal soul-sucking religious serial-killer in it....

Oh wait, it DID!

Recommend? OF COURSE!!!

Review Months : April, 2005

April 2005 just does not seem to be a good month for reviews. I'm not saying the few reviews that have been posted are bad! I'm just saying that it doesn't appear that many movies are being watched, books are being read, things are being done, or songs are being heard. Maybe this is because Spring is here? Or perhaps because school is ending?

Recommend? Well, you may want to hold off until May, when I'm sure the reviews will be plentiful and... plentiful.

Movie: The Dreamers

References to old movies we've never seen, plenty of full frontal nudity, rioters doing battle in the streets with jackbooted policemen, lots of taboo sexual stuff, and opening credits set to Jimi Hendrix. Jarring but nice.

Recommend: Also, they speak in French about half the time. Don't worry, there are subtitles.

Movie : Kikoku

Whoa! This movie was good! It had lots of shooting, and funny parts too. One gangster versus many. Also, there were lots of scenes of Yakuza guys eating, which was what I was doind too (for part of the movie, anyway). So I was really able to identify with them on a very real level. Except they were using chopsticks. I thought, "If I were eating this burger and these fries with chopsticks, I'd be even more like a yakuza!" Whoa! In one scene, they even ate some Cup O Noodles, which I've had before!! They sell those at the grocery store!!

Recommend? Yes! Yakuza! Shooting! Food!

Movie : Once Upon A Time In Mexico

You pick up a movie and expect the Mariachi to go nuts, and you end up with a revolution of Mexico? And the CIA was up to something, maybe crooked? What? What happened here? Did you say 'Drug Cartel'? The chick in the Mexican Swat team is who? What? Somebody is swapping his face with someone else?

Director Robert Rodriguez took this film all over the place. I am estimating at least three viewings to fully get what he was trying to accomplish. I think Desperado was better, just because it had a simpler plot: Revenge. This movie had ten plots. Maybe twelve. Half a dozen too many, at the least.

Recommend? YES! When will they learn that you can't hit a Mariachi with bullets?!

Movie : Desperado

Who'd of thought that a Mariachi would be such a bad-ass... and so hard to hit! I mean, seriously, it is HARD to hit a Mariachi! Take a dozen machine guns firing point blank at a Mariachi, and you just can NOT hit him!

Wait, throwing knives will hit him every time... but not guns!

Recommend? HECK YES! I'm going to watch the sequel right now!

Music CD : LCD Soundsystem - Self Titled

Finally! A dance-punk (disco-punk?) CD that I get into. This CD has everything. Dope-ass beats and weirdo noises, rocking tracks, funky cuts that veer off into strange ambient forays, and a cowbell break in the first song! You get thrown for a loop with every new track. And it comes with a bonus disc of all previous LCD Soundsystem singles. Ch-check it out.

Recommend? Only if you like way cool music can I recommend this. Otherwise, avoid it like the plague: you'll hate it.

Anime : Cowboy Bebop

Cowboy Bebop is a series of 26 half-hour episodes plus one movie. I've been slowly watching them over the past two months, and I just finished the final episode tonight.

WHHHHY?!?

The basics of the show: take a gangly group of down-on-their-luck bounty hunters, and see if they can ever get enough money to buy food. Add excellent music, great action, characters that grab your guts and squeeze them, and "bang."

See you, Space Cowboy....

Recommend? If you can only pick one anime to ever watch in your lifetime, you better make it this one. It's the grits, baby.

Movie : Ring 2

First of all, I'd like to welcome our newest member to this illustrious forum. I'm sure she will add wit, wisdom, and worth (not to mention alliteration) to the group. Now, niceties over...

I remember watching The Ring One in a crowded theatre with two of my best girlfriends. We sat gingerly in our seats, not really knowing what to expect. Ten minutes into the film, when the camera suddenly cuts to the shot of the teenager in the closet with her mouth hanging open, I knew this was not your normal horror flick. When the movie was over and I pried my frozen body out of the theatre seat, I drove home alone and lay in my empty apartment, imagining dripping hair and gray skin.

Fast forward.

I was cajoled, enticed, threatened, and otherwise demanded to see the Ring Two. I knew what was in store, and I made a few, not too unreasonable, requests. Such demands being met, I found myself with no other choice but to sit down, dig in, and weather the storm.

What ended up happening was that I watched 95% of the movie through my hands. I saw shoulders, cracked doors, some water, and every now and then I would forget to put my hands up and a creaking cracking crawling girl would enter my frame. After the movie was done, and I was sufficiently convinced that the Ring Girl would never leave her well again, I drove home, turned on the Sound of Music, read a SciFi novel, and fell asleep peacefully.

All that to say, Ring One was insanely scary and gave me insomnia for a month.

Ring Two? cake.

Movie : Bride and Prejudice

This is a Bollywood (Indian) reworking of "Pride and Prejudice" featuring singing, dancing, and a former Ms. World as a main actress. This movie would make a fantastic drinking game! Anytime you feel like stopping the movie (or leaving the theater) take a drink. Within ten minutes you will be passing out, vomiting, etc, and everything will be okay. Shhh, shhh, it's gonna be all right, they'll stop singing and poorly acting, shhh...

Recommend? Yes! Definitely! Pay to see this or buy the DVD right now! You'll laugh a whole lot! Watch it with everyone you know! Quick!

Movie : The Ring Two

Eh, I didn't find this movie scary. It started out kind of slow, with a big, gruesome death. And then there were some special effects that probably cost a few bucks (a few bucks...get it!? Bucks! Deer me I'm funny...get it!? Deer! Ah-hahaha!). And the story line kind of didn't collaborate with the story line from the first movie. Actually, except for the first five minutes, and the main characters, this didn't feel in any way linked to the first movie. Hmm.

But, I will say this: the long drive home after the movie was really freaky!

Recommend? If you are the type of person who covers your eyes during scary movies, then you may like this movie! But, if you are the type of person who watches movies all the way through, then you may want to wait for it on DVD.

Movie : M

German movie from 1931. Peter Lorre, a creepy little chubby guy, is a serial child murderer, and a whole town goes crazy trying to capture him. Lots of yelling, and speechifying, and wailing, all in German. There were subtitles, though. That way, we could understand what they were all saying. The police get all military about things, impose curfews etc., and the underworld gets irritated and decides to track him down themselves. This was the director-guy's first movie with sound.

Recommend: There's no music during the non-German-speaking parts, which makes it all even creepier.

Movie : The Incredibles

Wow! The Incredibles is the best Pixar movie to date!

Wait, wait... get this: the movie was... are you ready.... Incredible!

MWAHAHAHA!!! Oh man, that was AWESOME!

Recommend? YES, very much so. Whew....

Movie : Robots

Metallic, clanky, screwy, springy, bouncy, oily, rusty, bangy.

Recommend? Yes. It made me laugh, and it had some cleverness to it.

Cover Song : Motley Crue - Helter Skelter

On a Whim I listened to this song. I thought, "this should be fun, a hair metal band covering a Beatles song." A few questions linger as the song ends.

Did you listen to this song before you recorded it? Because you got the lyrics in the second line wrong. Know how I know? I have the CD. It has a book in it with the words to all of the songs, and I looked at them. Plus, Paul McCartney isn't that hard to understand.

Do you think of yourself as a hard rock or metal band? Cause if you guys are hard rock, then the Beatles were Scandinavian Death Speed Metal. McCartney screams more and harder, and Lennon shouts at the end of the track that he has blisters on his fingers. What happened at the end of the Crue recording session for this song? Did you gently apply baby powder to each other's bottoms? If this is the devil's music, hell is full of little old ladies who are asleep and you pansies.

Recommend? Yes! Oh man do I ever. Download it illegally right now and slam your long curly hair into the pile of poop I left on your floor. Go suck on a fish.

Movie : Flight of the Phoenix

Dennis Quaid put it best in this movie: "We're not garbage, we're people." Flight of the Phoenix was like the movie Armageddon, except that nobody went into outer space, and Armageddon was a whole hell of a lot more believable. I really, really wanted to like this movie, but there were too many parts that made me smile and shake my head, and not in good ways.

Recommend? Jeez, folks, this is tough one. This isn't a horrible movie, but I would have trouble sleeping at night if I told you to go rent it. Just flip a coin, and don't blame me.

Movie : The Crime of Padre Amaro

This movie was OK, I suppose. I mean, I finished it.

This movie should be renamed "Padre Amaro: Worst Priest Ever, Along with his Boss, The Other Worst Priest." This movie is about a young idealistic priest in Mexico who comes to a new diocese which is corrupt. He uncovers corruption, and then gets a girl who looks to be about 15 pregnant. Then he coerces her into getting an abortion, and she bleeds to death in his truck. Then he blames it all on her ex-boyfriend. While watching the movie, I thought it was pretty lame, but now that I've summarized it, I realize it was badass. The new title should be "Padre Amaro: One Badass Priest Who's Stepping Out on the Hos."

Reccomend? Well maybe so! But then again, maybe not.

Movie : Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Okay. I thought this movie was going to be artsy, or indy, for the sake of being indy. And I knew it would probably be kinda 'tsal right, but I was very wrong. It was completely 'tsal right. At the very beginning, I wondered where it was going, but it went there, and it went there hard.

Ten thumbs up. This movie may be the best impulse movie buy of my career. Three cheers for reminding me of what living alone feels like!

Recommend? YES. Plain and simple. This is a great movie, through and through.

Movie : Constantine

It's a Keanu movie, but I like Keanu movies! I liked his character (even though he was just a more sarcastic Neo), and I liked the ending. The girl was weird, but I guess in a good way.

And I liked Gabriel! He/she/it rocked!

Recommend? Yup. It's a great way to pass a cold Monday evening.

PC Game : Half Life 2

Ohhh sweet Mama robot mouth...

Recommend? YES! See review above.

(If your computer can't play this game, quickly sell your semen and/or eggs and build a new computer.)

Movie : The Passion of the Christ

This was a powerful movie. It was better than I expected, and I was expecting it to be pretty good. Also, I didn't think that it was 'too' bloody, though it was pretty bloody. There were a few small scenes that were classic Mel...but that's not a bad thing either.

Recommend? YES. But please remember this is a MOVIE, and don't start persecutin' after you watch it, yo.

Book : The Subtle Knife by Phillip Pullman

The second book in the His Dark Materials trilogy goes everywhere. And tackles every subject imaginable. To quote Will on the third to last page in the book: "I don't understand. It's too strange."

Word, Will. Word.

Strange, but fun, exciting, and awesome too.

Recommend? YES. Up to this point, this trilogy is shaping up to be something pretty spectacular.

Movie : Dawn of the Dead (New Version)

I watched "Dawn of the Dead" on DVD yesterday. While watching this movie I saw various events involving fire, zombies, or guns. Sometimes all three happened at once! Also, Ving the man was in it, and he has been in other movies with guns. So he has experience.

Recommend? Yes. Depending on whether or not you like fire, zombies, or guns, you may or may not like this movie.

Album : The Postal Service : Give Up

This is a great album. Crammed full of fun lyrics and digital beeps, this album packs energy, while the vocals are calm and soothing. It's yin and yang, in its most binary form! I wish I could wear this album as an undergarment.

Recommend? YES. It's much better than cauliflower.

Month : February

February is a bit on the cold side. And it's wet and there aren't many flowers. Also, the sun goes down way too early. This month may have a silent 'r', but that's about all it's got going for it.

Recommend? NO. Save up your money for an April or May. If you really must get a February, I suggest trying to get one down in the Southern Hemisphere.

Service : Blogger Invitation System

I was invited to join this blog, and that process is done by someone clicking the "Invite" button. It took much longer than expected! I was very surprised. It was like a roller coaster: it had its ups and downs, but I ended up about where I thought I might.

Recommend: Yes, I am able to post on this blog now.

Movie : A Knight's Tale

Barf! I'm only reviewing this movie because I have to warn all of you out there who haven't seen it. It has that Heath Ledger guy in it, and also some chick who looks like Angelina Jolie but isn't. It's a movie about knights and jousting and peasants who sing Queen songs and dance like Britney Spears. I can't believe it didn't win an Oscar.

Recommend? NO. Unless you are a girl, and then you will probably love it and make all kinds of girlish cootie noises over Heath Ledger on a horse.

Book : Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

This is one of my top five favorite books of all time. The main character is a kid, and it takes place in space. (Most of it, anyway.)

Recommend? YES. I'll buy you a copy if I have to.

Video Game : The Legend of Zelda : The Minish Cap

The Minish Cap is a pretty fun game for the Gameboy Advance, but you have to bomb EVERYWHERE, and I can't beat the end boss yet. But I guess that is the point of an end boss...you know, to be really tough.

Recommend? SURE, but I can't vouch for the ending.

Book : The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman

I like this book! This book goes all over the place! It's like, one moment you're in London, and the next you are in the artic! I couldn't believe it.

Recommend? VERY MUCH YES. It is the beginning of a fun trilogy.

Movie : Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

This movie is really weird, and I guess it's artistic. The people are blurry, and there are lots of robot things and even some dinosaurs.

Recommend? YES. If you think Gwyneth Paltrow is a babe. Or if you think Jude Law is a babe. Or if you like robots and dinosaurs!

Album : Green Day : American Idiot

It's a non-punk punk rock opera!

I liked it pretty good the first time I listened to it, and I liked it even more the second time I listened to it. Nifty, huh?

Recommend? YES. If you don't mind Green Day not being punk anymore. Which I don't.